Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
