Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
