I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
