He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
