he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
