i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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