Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
