3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
it hurts more in the daytime
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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