The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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