i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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