i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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