my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
