she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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