We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
