John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
