chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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