all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
