I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
