Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
