i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we're making bets on your personal life
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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