Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
