Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
pop tarts are not kleenex
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
