ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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