it hurts more in the daytime
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
