whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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