she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
