3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
