I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
