he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
