i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
