Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
