why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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