So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize