dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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