I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
