I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
