I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
