I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He felt like a one man threesome
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
