I wish I could teleport
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
