If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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