I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
