And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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