is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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