Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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