Can i not drive my cunt home
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize