can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
