New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
