First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
