Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
