Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
