I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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