I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
