The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
