I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
