I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
