Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
