went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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