It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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