Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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