Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
