I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
