if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize